Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
