my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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