Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
