my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
