Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
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If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
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How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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