still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
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the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
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My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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