If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
