Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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