Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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