He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
