on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
