I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
