I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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