Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
