whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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