matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just google imaged poop.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
