pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
