I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
