My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
