So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
