nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
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maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
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I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
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