Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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