32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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