i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
