I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
