Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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