I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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