he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
