dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
