so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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