i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize