you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
