I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
