If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
