maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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