dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i dont even know how to be here
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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