My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
where does the pee come out of this thing
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
