i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
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A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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