I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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