I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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