Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Why is your signature on my underwear?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
