I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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