Im at strip club and am horny
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
