remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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