i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
