My first STD was from a foam party
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
