He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
