I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
In America we eat man semen.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
