The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
