I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
