I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
