He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We need to rekindle our bromance
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
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Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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