3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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