I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize