I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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