I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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